Long time no see

Anastasia Retyunina
5 min readFeb 27, 2022

It’s been a while since I posted here. Now I would like to tell you about my experience reading “5 love languages”. I knew it would be a good one, but still I didn’t expect this book to open my eyes to many things, not only concerning my situations, but also in my nearest and dearest experiences.

Firstly, it’s important to list the rest of the languages:

The second one is Quality Time

“I mean giving someone your undivided attention.”

Some of you may wonder what it means, so I’m going to explain it to you. When partners spend time together, but one of them is watching TV or doing something else it is not spending time together. Quality Time requires your full attention toward your partner.


A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity…. Togetherness has to do with focused attention.

Then the author tells us a story about one of his clients, their situation in marriage. And that story has almost made me cry! It was so beautiful and it suddenly seemed to me that it is so easy to just speak your lover’s language and create and keep a beautiful relationship.

2)Quality Conversation

Quality conversation is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

So here is the dialect of Quality Time where the main focus in on paying attention and listening to your partner without pushing your pieces of advice and so on.

I realized that there is a tendency among all of us, that we constantly give advice, especially when we are not asked to. So the author’s words about this “habit” sum up the reason pretty well.

“Many of us…are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.”

(There are much more interesting and exciting bits of knowledge that you can get reading the book, I’m afraid it’ll take hours to speak about.)

3)Quality activities

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it — to express love by being together.

And where do we find time for such activities, especially if both of us have vocations outside the home? We make time just as we make time for lunch and dinner.

The main thing you might want to ask is, how can I make my partner do things I would like him to, or at least learn about my love language? The answer is simple: Love is a choice. And any partner can start the process today. I believe that if you care and love the person near you, you’ll be willing to change the atmosphere and act for the better.

I really like the phrase “love is a choice”. He is constantly repeating it throughout the whole book.

The next is Receiving Gifts. I guess it’s pretty obvious what it means. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts, but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.

I really liked this example:

“When she threw her wedding rings at me and angrily walked out of the house slamming the door behind her, I knew our marriage was in serious trouble. I didn’t pick up her rings for two days. When I finally did, I cried uncontrollably.”

Also there is A Gift of Self — Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

Acts of service, other language, generally means doing something your partner expects or wants you to do. It can be helping around the house, or managing your own things, without expecting your partner to do it. As the author gave an example of one couple when he was only in the beginning of his consulting career, I understood how this language worked. Communication here is the key, as in any other language, but most importantly:

“Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”

As the author repeats himself “Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.”

“There is a third truth, which only the mature lover will be able to hear. My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love.”

The last one is Physical Touch and it is my primary language. You might think it’s about intimacy, but mostly no, any physical touch or hugs will convey the same amount of love. How the author uses the example: “To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally.”

When there are times of crises, we hold each other because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. But for those whose primary love language is Physical Touch it’s even more important to feel this connection through touches and embraces.

Apart from love language characteristics, in the book Dr. Chapman provides examples from his real practice and gives pieces of advice and a list of steps or things you can do according to your partner’s love language to show him/her they are loved.

There are much more interesting things in this book! So, in case you got interested you can read it or ask me to send you an electronic version of it:)

Love is a choice. My choice is to love.